


I tried?

by Widow_Spyder



Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, No Angst, Other, Prompt Fic, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 01:29:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Widow_Spyder/pseuds/Widow_Spyder
Summary: John breaks a table and Chas makes him buy a new one. Little does John know, pronouncing the strange names would unleash something monstrous.--Based on the prompt: "When you accidentally summon a great old one while trying to pronounce furniture names in IKEA."





	I tried?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [livia_bj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/livia_bj/gifts).



It all started with a ritual. Sure, maybe he should’ve done it outside where there was more space and less valuable things that could get destroyed, but it was cold outside, and John wasn’t about to drag everything he needed out there. Plus the ritual was small, and all he needed to do was enchant some items. 

Oh, how his Constantine luck made that go well... 

Chas and Zed ended up returning from the grocery store to discover John spread out on the floor, half naked, covered in purple slime and panting as if he’d run a marathon. The broken remains of the table lay next to him with some of it charred from what seemed to be a fire. A piece of wood was still locked in John's hand; a makeshift weapon it looked like. Around him was the burnt floor of a magic circle and ash from what used to be a rug. 

And Constantine, that bastard, just looked up at the two of them with his signature smirk and said: “You’re back early.”

Zed shook her head and took the grocery bags into the kitchen, leaving Chas to help John to the bathroom and get him cleaned up. 

Once John was in the shower, Chas set back out to clean whatever he could of their once decent living room. 

Chas would say he was pretty used to cleaning up after John. The mess he made when doing spells. The mess he would become after using said spells, making Chas have to clean him up afterward. Being John’s personal cleaner came with the package of being mates with him. Though, even for him, this particular mess was a bit much. 

He didn’t know what this purple slime was or what back-alley dimension it came from, but it was stubborn as hell to wipe off the floor and their remaining furniture. Not to mention the awful smell it was emanating. He’d have to make use of Zed’s scented candles, once he was finished. 

It took a while, but Chas finally managed to clean every bit that was affected, thanking John’s personal angel that it didn’t stain anything before slumping into the kitchen for a much-needed drink. 

Zed was already waiting with her cup of tea and drawing book. She nodded towards the whiskey bottle and cup that was laid out and went back to drawing.

Chas settled in the chair next to hers, pouring his drink into the cup. 

Now the only thing left to do was wait for John freakin Constantine to finish his two-hour shower and get his ass down there so that they could find out what the hell happened. 

It didn’t take long, soon the water shut off and down came John wrapped in nothing but a towel, his skin red like a sunburn. 

Chas and Zed glared at him as he immediately grabbed the whiskey bottle off the counter and drank a couple mouthfuls of it. 

It was when John finally put the bottle back on the counter that Chas spoke up. 

“So? What the hell happened?” 

“Botched the ingredients to that enchanting spell, I told you about,” John said as if he were talking about the weather. 

“Oh.”

“Oh? Oh, what? What does that mean?” Zed demanded. 

“The ingredients to a spell are very important, luv. You mess it up and -” John waved his hand in a gesture to the living room “This happens.”

“Oh,” Zed repeated. 

“Any idea what ingredient you messed up?” Chas asked. 

John glared at Chas before answering “Dunno, mate. Probably the belladonna went bad; we’ll have to grow some more.” John said, nodding towards Zed. 

“And let me guess. You want me to do it?” Zed hopped off her chair and rounded the table. 

“You were the one who asked about a garden, luv.”

“Fine, I’ll try my best, your majesty.” Zed mocked as she got up and left for her room. 

“Well, since that’s taken care of, gonna head in myself. John said, grabbing the whiskey bottle and walking back up the stairs to his own room.

Chas watched both of them go.

*****

Morning rolled in far faster than Chas would’ve liked. At one point last night, he’d made it to his bed, after three attempts of purifying the air in the living room. By the third attempt, Chas gave up and decided he would deal with it in the morning. Now that it was morning, Chas wanted to do anything but deal with the situation downstairs.

Grumbling, he rolled out of bed and got dressed. He was always the first one up out of all three of them. Zed would be next, walking down an hour after Chas did and John would be last, taking way longer than both of them combined. 

During the hour he would have to himself, Chas made himself busy with making breakfast for everyone. By this point, he had all of their tastes down to a fault; John had eggs and toast with sausages on the side, and Zed preferred sweet yet simple foods like oatmeal with fruits or pancakes. 

Though it was when he finished cooking that Chas realized there was a problem. With the table burnt to a crisp, there was no space to put anything. The books and scrolls that were previously on that table were now strewn on the floor and on every bit of remaining desk space including the kitchen’s bar where they usually ate. 

Chas groaned, setting the plates down on the cutting board and walked up to John’s room. 

As expected, the warlock was still sound asleep, laying on his stomach with his four limbs spread all across the bed. 

With practiced skill, Chas avoided every knick-knack and empty bottle on the floor and started shaking John’s shoulder to wake him up. 

“John.”

“Mmgggh” John moaned into his pillow, clutching it harder and trying to roll away from Chas’s hand waking him up. 

“Come on, get up.” Chas pulled the covers off, silently thanking the heavens that John had boxers on. “We have to go.”

“Where?” John grumbled into his pillow. 

“The furniture store. We have to buy a new table after you destroyed our old one.”

“Take Zed.” 

“Zed has art class today. And she’s gonna start that garden remember?” Chas reminded. 

“Bloody toss-”

“What was that,” Chas warned. 

“Nothing, I’m up, mate.” John sat up and swung his legs off the bed. “I’m up,” John said, barely concealing his yawn. 

“Good, get dressed, and let’s go,” Chas said, walking out of John’s room and closing the door behind him. 

He heard a faint. “Aye aye, mate,” in return.

*****

2 hours later, and they finally managed to make it to their destination. Granted Ikea was a bit expensive for them, but Zed insisted they had the best stuff there. Plus with John’s lottery winnings they could afford to spend a little money.

So here they were, Chas and a grumpy warlock behind him, entering a huge and confusing furniture store. 

The store was big. That much was clear before they even entered. Chas made sure to stop by the fragrance section and buy a dozen pack of those air freshener sprays before setting off for the tables. 

Finally, they made it to the table displays after accidentally getting lost twice. 

“So bloody confusing,” John grumbled. 

Chas sighed. At this point, he considered buying a backpack leash for John if he were to keep up his attitude.

“Let’s just get what we need and go.”

Chas walked behind John as they both browsed the dozens of different types of tables. Chas suddenly heard John laughing and looked up in time to see John pointing at one of the labels.

“Mate, read this.” John pointed to what Chas assumed was the table product name. “Why the hell would they name _tables_ like _this_?”

Chas shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I mean, look at this.” John moved down the aisle, repeating back all the names he read. 

_“Oppeby torsby leifarne lisabo idolf ryggestad grebbestad melltorp adde mÖrbylÅnga baltsar norrÅker norraryd, norrÅker norraryd.”_

“What kind of names are these?”

“Here, a cheap one.” Chas interrupted John’s rant, pointing to a wooden oak table that was on sale. No doubt, returned by another customer and was now on sale for whatever defect it had. It was perfect for them. 

John shrugged when he saw it. “Sure get it. Now let’s get out of here.”

“Agreed,” Chas said.

*****

It turned out, fitting a massive box of table parts in their tiny cab would prove to be a bit of a challenge. Though they managed it, the real horror came when they entered the millhouse to find a floating phantom demon hovering over their kitchen.

“What the bloody hell!” 

“I thought you said this place was protected!” 

“It is!” John yelled back as both he and Chas ducked behind the millhouse’s pillars. 

Then it came back to him. The weird names of those tables he spoke of at the store; they caused this. He knew they sounded familiar but couldn’t quite place their origin until now. 

John bloody Constantine had somehow managed to summon an ancient demon by pronouncing the names of furniture. Oddly enough, it’s not the weirdest thing that’s happened to him. Not even close, but still a little shocking.

“What is it?” Chas asked, interrupting John’s thoughts. 

“It’s a demon.” 

Chas could’ve facepalmed. “I know that. I mean, how’d it get here?”

“I may have accidentally summoned it.”

“You -” Chas glared at John. “You _accidentally_ summoned a demon? Into our kitchen?!”

“Those furniture names back at the store. Pronouncing them may have summoned the thing here.” John guessed. 

“I can’t believe you.”

“Hey, nobody told me not to speak ancient whatever in front of the table section.” John looked back toward the kitchen. “And besides ‘s not like there are any bloody signs...”

"Ancient whatever? It's Norwegian, John! Norwegian!"

“Oh, I’m sorry, Norwegian!! Why don’t YOU tell the giant thing hovering in our kitchen to let up then eh?!”

“ _Of course,_ John Constantine can't buy a freakin kitchen table without making a disaster out of it!”

“Excuse me?! How long did it take for you to master cooking? Huh, Chas?!”

A deep voice cut suddenly cut through Chas and John’s argument. "Eemmm... Sorry guys... I don't want to interrupt but... I would be sacrificing right about now, so..."

John and Chas both slowly looked back at the creature before sighing and walking out from their hiding spot. 

“So what can we call you then, mate?”

“I don’t like names.” the creature answered back. 

“Alright, any chance you can tell us what you are?”

“I am a demon.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Chas murmured. 

John elbowed Chas in the arm before continuing. “So, usually, when a demon shows up at my doorstep, they spout some random nonsense about my doom and such. But you?”

“Have no intention of harming anyone here.” the demon finished.

Oh. That was certainly new. 

“You... Wait. Then what was that blabber about a sacrifice?” John asked.

“I only intend to sacrifice the things you love.”

There it was. On instinct, John raised his hands, reciting a spell, while Chas stood at the ready to defend John. 

The demon, however, waved it’s hand and sent both of them flying backward. Now pinned against the wall, both John and Chas could only watch as the demon went into their kitchen, opened the fridge and -- burnt everything to a crisp. 

Then the demon laughed and released them. 

Nothing happened for two whole minutes as John and Chas just stared, wide-eyed, at the demon giggle to itself, watching their food burn. 

Chas was the first to snap out of it, running over to the kitchen and extinguishing the flames with a fire extinguisher. 

That would’ve been useful yesterday, John thought. 

“I was not done enjoying that.” the demon blatantly stated.

“John?” Chas questioned. 

“It’s alright, mate.” John gestured to the fire extinguisher in Chas’s hand, ready to be used as a weapon. “It’s harmless.”

“What do you mean harmless?” Chas asked, slowly lowering his weapon. 

“You’re more of a sit back and watch type of demon, aren’t you?” John ignored Chas’s question.

“I do not intend anyone harm.” the demon restated. 

“And the _killing our loved ones_ bit?”

“I am aware that food is a love that humans share. So I burn it for my amusement.”

“I see…” 

“Can you get rid of it?” Chas asked.

“You can not get rid of me, for I find amusement here and as long as there is an amusement to fuel me, I will stay. The spell states so.”

“John?”

“I’ll work on it, Chas.”

*****

A week and many burnt food dishes later, the millhouse was a mess. John tried every spell, trick, and con up his sleeve, the damn thing just wouldn’t budge. The only way to get rid of it would be to find it a different home to torment, but it’s not as if they knew many other people that would be willing to take on a house demon.

Chas hated it and made it very clear to the demon’s delight. 

Zed kept quiet but glared at John, giving him a silent reminder to fix this.

John had tried everything and eventually gave up, hoping at some point, it would get bored and leave. 

They tried buying more takeaways to bore it, but it just burned those too. At this point, the three were eating out almost every night and day, as well as eating the snacks stashed around the house for emergencies. But the situation wasn’t improving. 

Since John couldn’t get rid of the demon, it spent every waking hour making all of their food burnt and awful tasting. At this point, they had bought so many takeaways that Zed was afraid they would run out of money before they could make more. 

So, she and Chas were out trying to win more lotteries using John’s luck of the draw, magic. John, in the meantime, decided to spend the day watching tv. 

However, nothing was piquing his interest, and for some reason, he had decided to settle on a cooking show. John hated these things. Where talented people went up to flaunt around their talents and brag to all the stuck-ups that hardly cared, it was rubbish. But there was nothing else to do, so John left it. 

It was only when John reached into his bag of crisps did he realize he wasn’t alone. The damn kitchen demon was there, staring at him as he pulled a few charred pieces of what once was an edible crisp. 

“Look, mate, I know you love seeing people’s reactions when you burn their food so why don’t you go over to one of these studio places and burn their food.” 

John wiped his hand to get rid of the black marks on his fingers.

“That way, even more, people would get a kick out of your -- _pranks_... And we can get back to work.”

Surprisingly the demon seemed apprehensive at first then after some thought it said. “Do you think they will enjoy it?”

“Dunno, mate. Depends on what sense of humor they have, but it’ll be hilarious to everyone who watches.” 

“Then we have a deal. I shall leave here to this cooking studio to make better use of my demon skills and not return here because it would be boring for my set of expertise.”

“Uh, yes, then we have a deal.” 

Could it really be that easy, John thought as he stuck out his hand to shake on it. 

It was. The demon rubbed it’s phantom hand over John’s and then disappeared. A few moments later, the audience on TV started laughing as one of the star chefs burnt a bit of their food. 

Chas and Zed would come back later to find out the kitchen demon was gone and found it to be skeptical at best but stopped questioning it after Chas was able to make a good full meal. 

How John Constantine somehow managed to make an ally with a kitchen demon without any costs and got it to leave him alone, was a mystery. 

Unless you count Chas’s anger towards all his food being wasted, then there were really no costs.

John could live with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "When you accidentally summon a great old one while trying to pronounce furniture names in IKEA," given to me by the amazing Livia_bj. 
> 
> Ok so for the spell, I literally went to the IKEA webpage, looked at the table section and wrote down the names of like six different tables and combined them into one sentence. Is it weird that it actually looks like some mystic spell or am I crazy. 
> 
> Now that it's summer I can finally start writing more and actually get to that "We are Legends" series that I was planning before. So stay tuned for that, I guess.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed and Thank You for reading!


End file.
